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Dog Laws

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.  You are his life, his love, his leader.  He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.  You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

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Dog Property Laws:
1 - If I like it, it's mine. 2 - If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3 - If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4 - If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5 - If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours at any time. 6 - If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7 - If it looks like mine, it's mine. 8 - If I saw it first, it's mine. 9 - If you are playing with something and put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10 - If it's broken, it's yours.
How Dogs And Men Are The Same:
1 - Both take up too much space in the bed. 2 - Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner. 3 - Both mark their territory. 4 - Neither tells you what is bothering them. 5 - The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6 - Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7 - Neither does dishes. 8 - Both fart shamelessly. 9 - Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10 - Both like dominance games. 11 - Neither understand what you see in cats. 12 - Both are suspicious of the mailman.
How Dogs Are Better Than Men:
1 - Dogs do not have problems with expressing public affection. 2 - Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3 - Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4 - Dogs admit when they are jealous. 5 - Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6 - Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). 7 - You can train a dog. 8 - Dogs are easy to buy for. 9 - The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.         OK... the worst one is rabies, but there is a vaccine for that and you can kill the dog that gave it to you. 10 - Dogs understand what "no" means. 11 - Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
How Dogs Are Better Than Women:
10 - A dogs parents will never visit you. 9 - A dog still loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8 - A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7 - A dog never expects you to telephone. 6 - A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5 - A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4 - A dog does not get mad if you pet another dog. 3 - A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2 - The later you are the happier a dog is to see you. 1 - A dog does not shop.
Life Lessons Learned From A Dog:
1 - If you stare at something long enough, you will eventually get what you want. 2 - Don't go out without your ID. 3 - Be direct with people, let then know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 4 - Be aware of when to hold your tongue and when to use it. 5 - Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 6 - Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. 7 - When you do wrong, take responsibility. (as soon as you are dragged shamefully out from under the bed) 8 - If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
A Test You Cannot Pass:
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,  
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.
Dog Proverbs:
- "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."  -- Gene Hill
- "In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
- "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."  -- Dave Berry
- "I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."  -- Penny Ward Moser
- "The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."  -- Danish Proverb
- "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's to dark to read."  -- Groucho Marx
- "The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch."  -- Michael Friedmen
- "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."  -- Aldous Huxley
- "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."  -- Robert Benchley
- "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."  -- Sue Murphy
- "Did you her about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really si a dog?"  -- Unknown
- "I think animal testing is a terrible idea, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."  -- Unknown
- "I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."  -- August Strindberg
- "No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in the conversation."  -- Fran Ledowitz
- "Ever consider what they must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from the grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half of a cow.  They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth."  -- Anne Tyler
- "I wonder if dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."  -- Rita Rudner
- "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.  That's $7.00 in dog money."  -- Joe Weinstein 
- "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."  -- Unknown
- "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."  -- James Thurber
- "You marry into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."  -- Nora Ephron
- "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."  -- Ann Landers
- "Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."  -- Robert A. Heinlein
- "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."  -- Dereke Bruce
- "There is no psychiatrist is the world like a puppy licking your face."  -- Ben Williams
- "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."  -- Edward Abbey
- "Cats motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."  -- Unknown
- "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."  -- Unknown
- "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."  -- Christopher Morley
- "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."  -- Josh Billings
- "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."  -- Holbrook Johnson
- "The average dog is s nicer person than the average person."  -- Andrew A. Rooney
- "Heaven goes by favor.  If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."  -- Mark Twain
- "I care not for a man's religion whose dog is not the better for it."  -- Abraham Lincoln
- "If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they go."  -- Unknown
- "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principle difference between a dog and a man."  -- Mark Twain
- "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."  -- Smiley Blanton
- "I've seen a look in dog's eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."  -- John Steinbeck
- "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.  We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."  -- Rita Rudner